it's been really hard to write my thoughts down on this website. no matter how much i want to keep up with the consistent posts on different platforms, i find it difficult to click on each website and put my heart down on my device.
in all honesty, i find myself writing more when i'm struggling. as if it's a cry of help that no one would ever read. i stopped writing on my emmo app last april, around the time when i started my new medication. i felt less emotionally numb, but my memory has gotten less sharp than it usually is.
school has started. it's my last year of high school and i'm finally a senior. it feels weird saying that because i was supposed to be one two years ago. i was very excited to start this school year. for once, i've felt that i finally reached the moment i thought would never come.
i prepared my notion layout for school, i set up all the apps and websites i'll be needing on my ipad and laptop. i organized my google calendar labels. i changed my phone homescreen and wallpapers. i set up my todo mate lists, and i set my alarm at a time i'm used to sleeping in.
and suddenly, something came over me yesterday. a wave of anxiety hit me out of the blue. i couldn't sleep last night. i didn't stick through my plan of sleeping early the night before. i started comparing myself to everyone around me. i felt, incompetent, clueless, and behind.
it's 2 am and my mind started racing. my chest is pounding. my right leg is restless. i've been here before, i've thought of this before. why does it manage to take control over me again and again. why can't i face it?
words of rationality popped in my mind. right then, words he never said slipped through.
it hit me again, i feel weak and incapable. i feel as if i'll only ever live through my dreams and goals in my mind. as if i'll only be mediocre forever. as if that word has not haunted me every time i scroll on my feed.
as i search her name, down to a rabbit hole i came. their names appear before me, their faces are still so vivid. oh how connected everyone is. i'm reminded of everything i could've been and should've been. clinging on to a hope full of would've beens, and a past before everything went wrong.
i like to think i'm a ghost within my class. it's true, i disappeared out of nowhere, nearing the end of the school year where i could have just pushed through the remaining weeks. i left no mark nor trace. i feel as if i never really brought anything to the table.
and while everyone has probably forgotten about me, after all these years, all of them still haunts me.
in my dreams, i'm with my classmates and teachers. i've always dreamed of running away from school. i'm running out of class, running down the staircase, through the hallways, out of the building, and sometimes all the way to the toilet to throw up, cry, and cover my ears. shame and regret overwhelms me.
i wake up with tears soaking my pillow.
how can i ever move forward with my life happily?