it's been really hard to write my thoughts down on this website. no matter how much i want to keep up with the consistent posts on different platforms, i find it difficult to click on each website and put my heart down on my device.
in all honesty, i find myself writing more when i'm struggling, as if it's a cry for help that no one would ever read. i stopped writing on my emmo app last april, around the time when i started my new medication. i felt less emotionally numb, but my memory has gotten less sharp than it usually is.
school has started. it's my last year of high school and i'm finally a senior. it feels weird saying that because i was supposed to be one two years ago. i was very excited to start this school year. for once, i felt that i finally reached the moment i thought would never come.
i set up my notion layout for this school year. i added all the apps and websites i'll be needing on both my ipad and laptop. i organized my google calendar labels. i changed my phone homescreen and wallpapers. i wrote down all my tasks on my todo mate list and i set my alarm at a time i'm used to sleeping in.
and suddenly, something came over me yesterday. a wave of anxiety hit me out of the blue. i couldn't sleep last night. i didn't stick to my plan of sleeping early the night before. i started comparing myself to everyone around me and my acquaintances on the search button. i felt incompetent, clueless, and behind.
it's 2 am and my mind wouldn't stop racing. my chest was pounding. my right leg was restless. i've been here before, i've thought of this before. why do my thoughts manage to take control over me again and again? why can't i face my struggles directly?
words of rationality i learned from my therapist popped into my mind. right then, words he never said slipped through.